Friday, November 9, 2012

Depression... Confession... JOY!

Tired. Frustrated. Totally at the end of my rope. Pulled in every direction and stretched beyond belief. Exhausted. Explosive. Depleted. Coveting the life of others. Despising my own. Lost in a world of "If only..." Drowning in the reality that is mine. I finally have to admit that this Bible-believing, Bible-teaching, Bible-quoting, Bible-singing mother is depressed.

Depressed??!! YOU??!! But you always seem so happy! So bubbly! I couldn't imagine you being affected by anything! Do you think it's the hormones?  Do you need a "Mommy's Day Out"? Well, you do have 5 kids, so I can imagine it being overwhelming at times.. but certainly not depressing!

Yes. Me. And yes I am legitimately happy, even bubbly... as I thrive on the presence of others. Things do affect me, and at times I am hormonal. Yes, I do need a Mommy's Day Out. And yes, life with 5 kids is overwhelming... and at times, depressing.

P. Bunny Wilson once said, "Depression, anxiety, and frustration are all a result of an uncontrolled thought-life." I know that people will argue against that point all day long, but at the end of the day... she's right. An uncontrolled thought-life can reek havoc in the life a believer. Certainly is true for me.

The depression that I speak of is not circumstantial, or clinical, but rather a longing in my soul. A depression that results from not spending time at the Master's feet, like Mary... but rather choosing my to-do list, like Martha. A depression that starts so deep within, but naturally overflows into a sea of uncertainty, doubt, and frustration. A depression that is heightened by circumstances, which then turns into self-pity. A depression that is often confusing, because I find myself doing all the right things... so there's really nothing that I should be depressed about. But I am! And it hurts.

I immediately start crying out to the Lord in my pain... God, if these kids would act right! I get so tired of saying the same things to them every single day. When will they learn? They are stressing me out, and I'm ready to be done with this particular season of life! And if my husband would appreciate me, then I would be better equipped to handle these frustrating 5!! With our house being so small, how in the world am I supposed to begin to operate??! And Lord, if I were closer to home, at least I would have a support system! Sigh... If I could just have more "me" time... If my hair would do right... And my goodness, I just need to get my eyebrows done... THEN I would feel better! Oh, and I need some friends too!! In Jesus name... Amen.

I take aim at every soul, except my own. I increase the busyness of my schedule. I distract myself with things that don't matter. I search for joy in other areas, such as the finding complete fulfillment in this closet that I just perfectly rearranged!! All so that I would not have to deal with myself. Depressed.

At the end of the day, I still have to lay down with my own thoughts. Everyone is sleep. All work is done. That longing still exists. Lord, I know I haven't been so diligent in my quiet time. But surely, that alone  cannot be the cause of alllllllllll this mental anguish.

"Try me"... I hear the Lord say.

Confessing sin... Pouring my heart out... Laying out my requests... Giving God my dreams and desires... I had to start with prayer. Hearing from God... convicted of sin... reminded of who God is... lost in His power... comforted by His love... I had to end with the Word of God.

*Light bulb*

When I'm at the feet of Jesus, then my thoughts are in order. When my thoughts are in order, it sets the pathway for everything else.  My circumstances have not changed, but I see the difference now. And it is oh so clear. I begin to reevaluate. Is it that my kids won't act right, or that God is revealing the ugliness of my own character, as I'm dealing with them in anger? Does my husband really take me for granted? Or am I serving with impure motives, looking for applause? Am I really without a support system? Or has God taken away my comfort zone, to force me to cling to Him alone?

The pathway of uncontrolled thoughts will indeed lead me to depression., but the truth of the Word will ignite joy. I say it all the time... There is no substitute for quality time with the Lord. No song will do. No motivational speech. No "5-minute daily read". Nothing... nothing... nothing can replace the pure, inherent, awesome Word of God... and the application thereof.

If I say it, then I must live it. So today I choose the Word. I choose life. I choose JOY.

My soul clings to the dust; Revive me according to Your word... My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.
Psalm 119:25, 28


  1. Whew. That's all.
    That and you should know that your blog is like the only one I read word for word. I'm a skimmer but I can't skim yours.

  2. God is AWESOME. He is the answer. Great blog

  3. Amazing, thank you Lord!

  4. weeping. thank you for being so transparent. amen. <3 mandii

  5. Yes, how I agree. Making the Word our starting point will keep us on the path of righteousness, restoring our souls and allowing God to use us effectively. Eyes are watching, looking to see which way to go. Let us lead them to the Way every time. Bless you sister. Glory to our Lord Jesus Christ.
    ~ Mahogany ~

  6. Thank you for this confirmation Keli! I have been praying about this same thing lately, especially on how to be the best mother I can be for my child. I love your blogs...dont ever stop writing them because you never know who you will encourage...Thank you!