Monday, August 13, 2012

422 Miles Away...

There's absolutely no place like it... It's where the heart is... It's sweet. It's comfortable. It's family. It's friends. There's something so perfect about it, which, in my opinion, exists within all its imperfections. It's... home.

For the past 8 months, there have been 422 miles, (3 states and 2 rivers) that separate me from the place I call home.  And in this time, I have only been back once... 5 months ago. But who's counting?? Me! That's who!! I am homesick like crazy, and at a complete loss for words to describe it.

It's tough enough dealing with my own emotions... questions... and at times, lack of faith. But what has made this journey incredibly difficult is that I have to shoulder the pain of my children's longing for home as they know it.  While they understand the conceptual idea of us relocating, they really don't get it.

I get asked the tough questions on a daily basis. Even on my "best emotional days", I am often challenged to keep my composure, and tackle the difficult questions of these little ones, whom I love so dearly. And this is tough. Naturally, there are many in my newest circle that encourage me with, "Oh they'll adjust..." or "Give it time" or "Once they make some friends..." And while I appreciate the words of comfort, I have come to realize that I am the one facing this emotional challenge. And quite frankly, there's nothing that anyone else can do or say to comfort the longing of my heart, or that of my children. At the end of the day, I have to deal with this. But how????

Recently we had an opportunity to travel those 422 miles. The kids were excited. I was elated!! But then our plans were quickly thwarted... and the said trip was immediately canceled.  And it was me, the homesick mom, that had to deliver the news to my children.  I believe I suffered the biggest heart-ache of my life that day...

See, up until then, I was the "super-mom". I presented this front of strength and poise, whenever they would express their desire to close this 422 mile gap. I was always there to reassure and comfort them, despite my own emotions. I always held it together. But not this time. In fact, I had no strength. No poise. Nothing even remotely reassuring came from me. And boy did they see my cry that day!! I WAS BROKEN!!

My goal was to get myself together and give them the devastating news. But I couldn't. I simply couldn't!! I began to talk, but tears immediately came streaming down, my voice cracked, and I lost it. That's when I learned... It's okay for my children to see me cry

Naturally, they cried as well. But something happened as they observed my brokenness. They suddenly became more concerned about my welfare than their own. I became their priority. And by the end of that very long day, as I sat on the couch in a complete daze, Kam came up to me and reassured me, "Mom, we're gonna go another time." I was amazed at his maturity. I was moved by his compassion. I was comforted by his display of love.

So I guess being a mom sometimes means dealing with real life... and bringing your children along for the ride. And while I would love to bask in the glow of the wonderful zoo visits and the picnics at our favorite park, there are those tougher moments that I too must embrace. Sometimes they have to see me cry. Sometimes they have to know that I have feelings too. Sometimes they need to put those spiritual concepts into practical action, so that it becomes more than a Bible story. Sometimes the best way to teach is through demonstration. And sometimes, yes there are times, where the teacher becomes the student... and I am comforted through the life of my children.

Though I am still 422 miles from home.. though my heart is heavy with the pain thereof... though things are not the way I would have scripted... I have full confidence in the God I serve. I trust that He will cause ALL THINGS to work together for my good. I trust that He is using this life experience to shape me into the image of Christ. And even now, with tears streaming down my face, I trust that His mercy shall  follow me... even for another 422 miles.

But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
~1 Peter 5:10-11

15 comments:

  1. Great post *tear*
    Taria

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    1. Tear... more tears... MUCH TEARS!!! Poor grammar, but you feel me! Thanks for crying with me girl!! :)

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  2. Your teachings allowed Kam to comfort you. How precious is that!!! You are loved and missed, but like you trusting God to work it all for the good.

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    1. The thought that something I've poured into him as been poured out on me... is simply humbling. Only by the grace of God!!!

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  3. What a wonderful ministry you have. God has blessed you in so many ways and gifts to reach others and now God has expanded your platform to reach Christian mothers, well all mothers!! Continue to be strong in the Lord. I know exactly how you feel as we moved away for a while when the kids were young. Through the grace of God we made it through that difficult time and God showed me some things during that time. Stay encouraged and I love you.

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    1. So......thanks Keli for causing me to mess up my make-up this early in the day, but oh so so special! As I read this article and although my story isn't about miles away physically, I'm sure u can relate to the fact that God has not only given us children to nurture and rear but to bring light in a dark time. I so remember Will (bigo) as he was going thru his physical turmoil at the age of 7 there were days he couldn't use his limbs but yet he would lay in his steel hospital and watch his mother facing the window and him knowing I was having a moment and his sweet soft faint voice would say, "Mommy its ok to cry God got me!!!" Oh how I wanted to just JUMP AND SCREAM but I knew I would have probably been put out of the hospital. But I tell u I gain strength from on high and it carried me when I couldn't carry myself!!! You are such an inspiration and I love reading your heart. Allow your kids to comfort you and remind you of the incredible teachings that we extend to them daily. As you stated it won't be a bible story but they will also learn the true attributes of God along with the human side of our spiritual walk. Love you lady!!!

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    2. Kelly, what's so amazing is that I've thought of you quite frequently during our move... as I know that your relationship with your family is much like mine. But it never occured to me that you moved with small children too!!! So I KNOW you understand!!! Thank you SO MUCH for your encouraging words. It means a lot!!!! :)

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    3. Cherise!!!!! I made you mess up your make-up??!! Well, you brought out the UGLY CRY in me!!!!!! Bigo's comment to you that God's got him?? WOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I have no words for that!!!! The Lord is so awesome in that He allows us to see the fruit of our labor, long before we could imagine... by His grace, many times we see it in them as small children. That is just so amazing to me! Thank you for reminding me of your story. I'm tearing up now!! (My goodness!!!) Love you much!

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  4. 422 tears streaming down! Mim-Mim

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  5. Wow! Keli Diane!!! You truly know how to allow God to use you! Your strength, poise and especially your faith is very effective and I am thankful that you continue to be a vessel for God in whatever state that you are in!

    Tasha B

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    1. Tasha!!!! Thx girlie!! Ur words really mean a lot.... A whole lot! Love ya girl... And u keep making an impact on our community, one kid at a time.. Continue to encourage our young men to be respectful... And our young women to wear lap shawls!! Seriously, Im encouraged by your walk. ~blessed to call u friend!

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  6. Keli, thanks for letting me into your world by writing your thoughts! I do know how you feel since I have lived away from home (600 miles) for 17 years!! I cried the first 2 years! I know God has me where He wants but it still isn't easy. I do suggest to "be all there". The sooner you join the library, meet the neighbors, etc. the better. My husband said we would live here one year - well that turned into 17! When I pray and thank God for all my blesings, that really helps too. I look forward to reading your blog.

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    1. Oh Kristen! You just brought out something so powerful.... You were supposed to be there 1 year. But had you guys left after that year, then I wouldve never met you. And you have been such an influential woman of God in my life, and I have gleaned so much for you.... Still am! So Im glad yall stayed for 17! :) And you're right. I need to be all here. We joined this amazing library last month, and the kids love it so much. (i think Kam has a crush on the storytime reader! Lol!) But most importantly, I must remain thankful. Kinda hard to complain and give thanks at the same time, eh?? Love u! And thx for joining!!

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